birthday blues

I do my best to try to enjoy what I have in life. I mean I got everything I could ask for. But I have periods in my life where I sometimes still feel empty inside. I’m sure 99% of people have these moments too. Especially around Febuary-March, I get the birthday blues. I’m pretty good at putting on a “happy mask” when it comes to hating my birthday, I mean my family can’t even tell…I don’t know what it is, but my birthday enables this forced-introspection where I inevitably feel down. I think about what I have yet to accomplish. I feel perpetually trapped between two invisible brick walls that are slowly closing in and the only way out is to get where I want to be as an adult. One side, I have this ideal future I want in order to not disappoint my parents. They really don’t put any pressure on me, which I’m grateful for, but since they’ve given me all the tools and support in life I need to succeed, it would feel wrong not to. The other side is me wanting just to be how I please, who I am as a person. But as I grow each year, it feels as if more responsibilities are suffocating me, like a game of dodgeball, but the only person on my team is me and everyone else has a blackhole’s worth of dodgeballs ready to chuck at me.

Ultimately though, I feel what’s most important is enjoying all the little things that come along with living life like trips, friendships, laughs, meals, sadness, anger–basically just feeling emotions and experiences.  My friend and I, we planned a last minute outing to a concert. Anyways we just went because, why not? And I thought maybe I should go because I was sick of thinking too much and feeling down around my birthday. I always forget how much I love concerts until I go to one again, the overwhelming thuds of the drum and bass, so loud that you can feel your body shake, singing your heart out because not even you can hear your cracky voice, or dancing however you want because everyone is there to enjoy the music. There are moments when I just close my eyes and feel the vibrations of the music. People in the mosh pit were crowd surfing and I thought it was beautiful seeing everyone smile and scream as they were carried across the crowd. Of course before the guard jumped and dragged them away. (One day I’ll crowd surf, can’t say I wasn’t tempted in the moment, hahaha another thing to add to my bucket list.) Music brings people together despite any differences, so seeing people come together to carry and make one person happy as they crowd surfed or just the collective, overall ambiance made me happy.

The reason why this concert was special to me was because it was our first time going to one without our parents driving us. It may seem like a underwhelming matter, but to me it was kind of  like the epitome of my teenage years. Finally, having the ability to go wherever, whenever. Living in the suburbs, theres only so far you can go without a car. When the concert ended around 12 we just went to eat In-n-out. To be honest, it had never tasted any better than being able to get there ourselves. Thinking about how happy I was that we could finally go places ourselves seems weird, but I hope the feeling never grows old. So I guess growing up is bittersweet.



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